


The Miraculous End User Licence Agreement

by Draxynnic



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Plagg Is Not A Real Lawyer, Plagg is a Little Shit, here comes the crack again, miraculous end user licence agreements, rated T for references to disgusting human mating rituals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draxynnic/pseuds/Draxynnic
Summary: Plagg is not one to be a stickler for rules.Unless it's funny.





	The Miraculous End User Licence Agreement

**Author's Note:**

> If you've been on any mailing lists in the last few weeks, you've probably received a notification from some company or other about updating their privacy policy in the wake of the new EU legislation, possibly asking you to reconfirm that you authorise them to send messages to you. This started off as a thought about privacy policies for Miraculouses (you have to admit, the kwamis possibly know more those teenagers than their parents do) and kind of snowballed from there...

The heir-apparent to the Agreste fortune lets out a long sigh as he finishes the review of the assignment, before clicking his mouse to submit it for assessment.

In response, a lazy green eye opens in the black lump lying on Adrien’s desk. “Finished with that, then? Judging by your expression, you must be getting ready for some quality time whining about how Ladybug doesn’t love you.”

If kwamis could be killed with a look, Adrien’s ring would have been rendered inert there and then, bringing Hawkmoth’s campaign to an abrupt halt. “Nah, Plagg,” Adrien responded. “I’ve been cooped up working on this thing all afternoon and most of the evening. I just feel like I need to get out…”

“Oh?” The kwami responds, getting up and stretching. “Well, in that case, you know the price.”

Adrien rolls his eyes, but as he does so he reaches down to open a drawer in his desk, swiftly withdrawing a piece of cheese which Plagg promptly makes short work of. “Okay Plagg. Claws out!”

As the transformation completes, Chat Noir notices something subtly off. Pulling his baton off his belt, the cause of the feeling becomes quickly apparent. The baton has already opened itself into communicator mode, with something flashing on the screen.

 _I hope Ladybug hasn’t been trying to call me because an akuma hit while I was working on that assignment…_  Chat thinks, bringing the screen up to his eyes. Sure enough, the flashing proves to be bringing his attention to a notification, although it doesn’t seem to be a message from his Lady.

“END USER AGREEMENT UPDATE” reads the start of the message.

_What the?_

“The end user licence agreement for your Miraculous has been updated. As a Miraculous user, it is your responsibility to familiarise yourself with the new agreement and uphold it in all respects.”

 _I don’t remember there being one of these on the first day…_  Chat ponders, tapping the appropriate location to bring up the attached file.  _Since when did ancient magic artifacts had licence agreements?_

**BLACK CAT MIRACULOUS**

**END USER LICENCE AGREEMENT**

Congratulations on being found worth to wield the Black Cat Miraculous!

The power of the Black Cat Miraculous (henceforth referred to as the Miraculous) carries with it certain responsibilities and requirements for continued usage of the Miraculous, as defined by the authorised protector of the Miraculouses (henceforth referred to as the Guardian) and the kwami which provides the power to use the Miraculous (henceforth referred to as the Kwami). By continuing to use the Miraculous, you (henceforth referred to as the Wielder) agree to the following terms and conditions. Failure to adhere to these terms and conditions may result in the withdrawal of the Wielder’s authorisation to use the Miraculous, at the discretion of the Guardian and/or the Kwami.

 

 **1)** As the Miraculous is powered by cheese, to maintain usage of the Miraculous the Wielder agrees to provide the Kwami with a minimum of three (3) wheels of cheese, preferably camembert, per day.

 **1.1)** Additional usages of Miraculous powers and transformations will require the supply of additional cheese as directed by the Kwami.

 **1.1a)** Failure to provide adequate cheese will be considered a breach of this agreement, and may result in suspension or removal of the Wielder’s ability to use the Miraculous.

 **1.1b)** Attempting to blackmail the Kwami through denial of cheese will be considered a breach of this agreement, and may result in suspension or removal of the Wielder’s ability to use the Miraculous.

 **2)** The Kwami’s rest is important. While sleeping, the Kwami should not be disturbed without good reason. Excessive disturbance of the Kwami’s sleep for trivial reasons may, at the Kwami’s discretion, result in suspension or removal of the Wielder’s ability to use the Miraculous.

 **2.1)** Moaning about the Wielder’s love life, including but not limited to the Wielder’s relationship or lack therof with the authorised user of another Miraculous, is considered an inconsequential reason.

 **3)** In usage of the Miraculous, the Wielder agrees to take all reasonable precautions to keep the exact nature of the Miraculous a secret, unless authorised to disclose such information by the Kwami or the Guardian.

 **3.1)** In the event that the Wielder becomes aware that a third party has discovered this information, the Wielder shall confer with the Kwami and the Guardian to determine an appropriate course of action.

 **4)** The Kwami may, as an unavoidable consequence of the use of your Miraculous, collect certain pieces of personal information about you, both during and outside of a transformation. This includes, but is not limited to, name, address, activities when transformed, and anything that happens while your Kwami is present.

 **4.1)** Whether your Kwami wants to or not.

 **4.2)** This includes any sick obsessions you might have with other Miraculous wielders, including but not limited to possession of action figures, body pillows, and other merchandise.

 **4.2a)** Really, your Kwami is sick of hearing about it

 **4.2a1)** Your Kwami is not your therapist, relationship advisor, matchmaker, or otherwise intended to be a source of emotional support or advice. Talk to a human instead.

 **4.3)** The Kwami will not disclose the Wielder’s personal information, or the personal information of Wielders of other Miraculous, to any third party, including other Wielders, who is not already aware of the Wielder’s identity as a Miraculous Wielder.

 **4.3a)** The clause above does not apply to unauthorised users of a Miraculous. The Kwami reserves the right to disclose the identity of an unauthorised user of a Miraculous to the Wielder or any other interested third party, if such disclosure can be achieved without breaking any of the other terms of this Agreement.

 **4.3b)** Attempting to blackmail or otherwise coerce the Kwami into revealing personal information, including but not limited to identity, will be considered a breach of this Agreement and may, at the discretion of the Kwami, result in suspension or removal of the Wielder’s ability to use the Miraculous.

 **4.3c)** The Kwami may, at the Kwami’s discretion, disclose the Wielder’s personal information to third parties who are already aware of the Wielder’s possession of the Miraculous, under the following exemplary but non-exclusive circumstances:

 **4.3c1)** The third party has, at the discretion of the Kwami, a need to know.

 **4.3c2)** Because it’s funny.

 **5)** In using the Miraculous, the Wielder acknowledges that the Miraculous is intended for heroic use.

 **5.1)** Villainous use of the Miraculous is considered a breach of this Agreement, and will result in the Wielder being designated as an unauthorised user until the Miraculous is relinquished or until villainous activity ceases and the Kwami and Guardian both consider it acceptable for the Wielder to maintain use of the Miraculous.

 **5.2)** Limited usage of the Miraculous for non-heroic but non-villainous reasons are acceptable, but your Kwami will require additional cheese for such usage at your Kwami’s discretion. Rates for specific example usages are given below:

 **5.2a)** Usage to escape the Wielder’s abode: One (1) wedge of camembert, no less than one-sixth (1/6) of a standard wheel.

 **5.2b)** Visits to pigtailed girls:  One (1) standard wheel of cheese or its equivalent in cheese-containing baked goods.

 **5.2c)** Attendance at parties, charity functions, and similar events: One (1) wedge of cheese, no less than one-sixth (1/6) of a standard wheel, per hour, or its equivalent in cheese-containing party snacks.

 **5.2d)** Practical jokes: One (1) wedge of camembert, no less than one-sixth (1/6) of a standard wheel. The Kwami reserves the right to waive this price for sufficiently amusing pranks.

 **5.2d1)** Practical jokes played on blonde heiresses: FREE

 **5.2d2)** Practical jokes played on fashion moguls with no sense of humour: FREE

 **5.2e)** Attempting to set up dates with other Wielders: One (1) standard wheel of Camembert, and see clause 5.3.

 **5.2f)** Attempting to set up dates with non-Wielders, or individuals believed by the Wielder to be a non-Wielder: One half (1/2) of a standard wheel of Camembert, and one (1) mocking lecture from the Kwami about manning up and asking the non-Wielder on a date while not transformed, if practical. Also, see clause 5.3.

 **5.3)** The Wielder pledges not to do anything while transformed that would make the Kwami uncomfortable.

 **5.3a)** Yes, that includes your disgusting human mating rituals.

 **5.3a1)** Including partaking in them solo.

 **5.3a2)** Kissing and light petting is considered acceptable, as long as all parties involved are consensual. (See previous clause regarding villainous usage of the Miraculous.)

 **5.3a2a)** However, the Kwami reserves the right to tease the Wielder mercilessly in the aftermath of such circumstances.

 **5.2a2b)** Non-consensual kissing will not be considered villainous if employed as part of the usage of True Love’s Kiss or a similar kiss-related counterspell, or under similar circumstances at the discretion of the Kwami.

 **5.4)** Unavoidable circumstances that might arise through heroic usage of the Miraculous will not be considered a breach of the above clause, at the Kwami’s discretion.

 **6)** Usage of a Miraculous may influence the luck of the Wielder. While the Kwami will take reasonable measures to prevent this from causing harm to the Wielder, the Wielder, through accepting the terms of this Agreement, abrogates the Kwami of any responsibility for harm, embarrassment, or other undesirable side effects of using the Miraculous.

 **6.1)** Especially if it’s funny.

 **7)** The Wielder pledges to refrain from unauthorised experimentation with the destructive power of Cataclysm, including but not limited to using Cataclysm to do the following:

 **7.1)** Sinking islands or continents.

 **7.2)** Creating supervolcanoes.

 **7.3)** Releasing plagues.

 **8)** Should circumstances arise that require the Wielder to relinquish the Miraculous to the Guardian or another authorised user, as determined by the Guardian or by the Kwami, the Wielder pledges to relinquish the Miraculous as directed at the earliest available opportunity. Failure to do so may result in the Wielder being designated as an unauthorised user until the Miraculous is relinquished.

 **9)** The Kwami and the Guardian reserve the right to alter the terms of this Agreement at any time, for any reason including, but not limited to, those below:

 **9.1)** Events require an alteration of the terms of the Agreement.

 **9.2)** A circumstance arises that was not foreseen by the Kwami or the Guardian at the time of the drafting of this Agreement, which mandates an amendment to this Agreement to cover.

 **9.3)** The Kwami or the Guardian foresee a circumstance that might arise that was not considered at the time of the drafting of this Agreement, which the Guardian or the Kwami considers mandates an amendment to this Agreement.

 **9.4)** Because it’s funny.

 **10)** Transformation potions are intended for emergency use ONLY. Excessive or trivial usage of transformation potions may result in suspension or removal of the Wielder's ability to use the Miraculous, at the discretion of the Kwami.

 **10.1)** Any appeal against the removal or suspension of the Wielder's ability to use the Miraculous under section 10 can be lodged with the Guardian.

 **11)** Any questions related to this End User Licence Agreement can be directed to the Kwami. If the Kwami is unable to respond to your query to your satisfaction, please redirect your query to the Guardian.

 **11.1)** If any query can be adequately answered by referring to clause 4.3c2, refer to clause 4.3c2.

 

Chat blinks as he reaches the end of the document. “PLAAAAAG!”

 _I bet Ladybug doesn’t have to put up with this_ …

**Author's Note:**

> I swear, I spent about as much time trying to get the formatting for this to work as I did actually drafting it. In the end, I decided it just wasn't worth the effort.
> 
> I have some thoughts as to what Tikki's equivalent might involve, but they're not well developed and I'm not sure if I'll ever get to it.


End file.
